Do I dare to hope?

It's been quite a while since I've updated this and it's been crazy. We found out we were pregnant a week ago Wednesday (6/10) and we were ecstatic. My baseline beta (drawn 6/9 on day 11) was 59 which Nurse C said was really, really good. It is supposed to double every 48 hours so I had another beta drawn on day 13 (6/11) and it was 101. The nurse said that they definately want to see it double but at this time there was no need to be concerned since it was so close. Another beta drawn on day 17 (6/15) was 334. This one they sound a little more concerned about since it had been 4 days and we wanted to see it around 410. Then Wednesday the sky fell down..... day 19 beta (6/17) was 455. The nurse called and said "I don't have very good news." She told me the number and said that they don't have much hope at this point. I was crushed, devastated, and broken hearted. This isn't like hearing that it didn't take, this is being pregnant and being told your baby isn't going to make it. It was the saddest thing I've ever heard. I left work early and went home and went to bed. When Tony called I told him and he handled it so well. He did what he could to console me and try to make me feel better but it wasn't much use. He also called his family and told them and asked them not to call. It was the worst day.

By Thursday I felt a little better. As terrible as the whole thing is I know we have another try and I need to remember that it's out of my hands. The nurse and I had discussed whether I wanted to do a blood test Friday or wait until Monday and we both agreed I should just wait until Monday. By the afternoon on Thursday though I had changed my mind. I know me and I know that I will obsess over this all weekend. By the end of the weekend I will be killing myself wondering if my number went up or if it has gone down (which would mean a miscarriage). I needed to have it drawn on Friday so I knew where I was going into the weekend. The nurse understood.

So this morning I went and got my blood drawn and the nurse called me to tell me that my beta is now 863! That is only 47 points shy of doubling! Now, just to set the record straight, this doesn't mean that much. My numbers are to a point where they can atleast do an ultrasound now and we can possibly get some answers. They are still not very hopeful and when I asked if there was any reason to hope... even a little.... the nurse said that they needed me to be realistic. I understand that they do not want me to get my hopes up and that they don't want to give me false hope but the way I see it is this... I am pregnant. Plain and simple. I have a baby growing inside me and even though it may not be growing as fast as it should and even though it most likely will not continue growing, right now it is. I'm not kidding myself, I know that the chance is very slim, but I also know there is a chance and as long as there is a chance I'm going to have hope that my baby will grow. God has done crazier things and there are a lot of people who have been in my situation that have happy endings. And I am going to hope that mine is happy too.