Do I dare to hope?

It's been quite a while since I've updated this and it's been crazy. We found out we were pregnant a week ago Wednesday (6/10) and we were ecstatic. My baseline beta (drawn 6/9 on day 11) was 59 which Nurse C said was really, really good. It is supposed to double every 48 hours so I had another beta drawn on day 13 (6/11) and it was 101. The nurse said that they definately want to see it double but at this time there was no need to be concerned since it was so close. Another beta drawn on day 17 (6/15) was 334. This one they sound a little more concerned about since it had been 4 days and we wanted to see it around 410. Then Wednesday the sky fell down..... day 19 beta (6/17) was 455. The nurse called and said "I don't have very good news." She told me the number and said that they don't have much hope at this point. I was crushed, devastated, and broken hearted. This isn't like hearing that it didn't take, this is being pregnant and being told your baby isn't going to make it. It was the saddest thing I've ever heard. I left work early and went home and went to bed. When Tony called I told him and he handled it so well. He did what he could to console me and try to make me feel better but it wasn't much use. He also called his family and told them and asked them not to call. It was the worst day.

By Thursday I felt a little better. As terrible as the whole thing is I know we have another try and I need to remember that it's out of my hands. The nurse and I had discussed whether I wanted to do a blood test Friday or wait until Monday and we both agreed I should just wait until Monday. By the afternoon on Thursday though I had changed my mind. I know me and I know that I will obsess over this all weekend. By the end of the weekend I will be killing myself wondering if my number went up or if it has gone down (which would mean a miscarriage). I needed to have it drawn on Friday so I knew where I was going into the weekend. The nurse understood.

So this morning I went and got my blood drawn and the nurse called me to tell me that my beta is now 863! That is only 47 points shy of doubling! Now, just to set the record straight, this doesn't mean that much. My numbers are to a point where they can atleast do an ultrasound now and we can possibly get some answers. They are still not very hopeful and when I asked if there was any reason to hope... even a little.... the nurse said that they needed me to be realistic. I understand that they do not want me to get my hopes up and that they don't want to give me false hope but the way I see it is this... I am pregnant. Plain and simple. I have a baby growing inside me and even though it may not be growing as fast as it should and even though it most likely will not continue growing, right now it is. I'm not kidding myself, I know that the chance is very slim, but I also know there is a chance and as long as there is a chance I'm going to have hope that my baby will grow. God has done crazier things and there are a lot of people who have been in my situation that have happy endings. And I am going to hope that mine is happy too.

Dr. W calls

Dr. W called me on Monday to ask me about the reaction on my stomach. I told him all about it and he said that he was going to check on some things and call me back. He called me back and said that he consulted with the high risk doctor and that the other doctor sees no reason why I should continue taking the Lovenox at this time. That my antibodies were out of range but not by much and so the baby aspirin should be enough. Whew! Someone who finally has an answer and reasons for it! Then Dr. W also ordered some bloodwork to check the antibodies again and make sure that they aren't higher (I suppose) and he also ordered the entire auto-immune panel.

I went yesterday (Tuesday) to get my blood drawn for Dr. W and also my baseline beta hcg and other things for Dr. A's office. So, now I just wait until tomorrow (Thursday) to do another beta hcg and find out if the first one doubles and if it does then I am pregnant!!!! Though Nurse C did tell me a little something today but I'm not telling! We have told everyone that we are testing the end of next week so that we could atleast surprise them a little. That way if we are pregnant we can surprise them sooner and if we're not then we'd have some time to absorb it. It's hard with IVF because you can't really keep it from anyone with how much you have to do, how much you have to miss work, the moods, the tiredness, the sickness. So everyone knows. It's not like finding out naturally and waiting until you're in the clear to tell everyone and there is that fear of having to tell so many people it didn't work or even, God forbid, a miscarriage. But... we are thinking positive thoughts! And as for right now I have one foot on cloud nine and really hope tomorrow I can jump all the way on and do a dance!

Tony calls the nurse

Well, first I called Nurse C to find out what was going on with this Lovenox. I told her everything that happened with the hag the day before and she said that she certainly should not have handled it the way she did. She told me to continue taking the Lovenox, use benadryl cream, and go to Dr. W's office to have him look at it and decide from there. Good.

Then Tony called back and asked to talk to Nurse A. He opened with "I just wanted to call and tell you that I think the way you talked to my wife yesterday was extremely unprofessional and ridiculous." Yay Tony!!!! I'm sitting there thinking how much I hate the confrontation but how much I love feeling like my husband is some sort of knight in shining armour battling some crazy dragon. Then it happened. The hag went insanely sweet apologizing over, and over, and over. Tony was so mad cause he said it's hard to really lay into someone when they are constantly saying "I'm sorry". "Oh no!, Oh no! I would never have intentionally made her feel that way! I'm so sorry that it came across that way!".... at first that is what she said. After that it was... "I'm so sorry that she took it that way! All I was trying to tell her was that I didn't know what to tell her because I'm not the doctor." Liar! I took it the only possible way that I could. Anyway, she offered to call me and apologize but Tony said I was pretty upset and that it was not a good idea. I love him :)

The hag called back

Nurse A just called me back and said that she got ahold of Dr. A and that he wants me to stop taking Lovenox. What the hell is wrong with these people? From the start it's been so important for me to take because otherwise these cardiac antibodies that I have would attack a pregnancy and now, without any explanation, it's okay to just stop?! He said just take a baby aspirin, which I already do. I am calling Dr. W's office tomorrow because this office is ridiculous. You don't just tell someone to stop without discussing it further. Why didn't he say to tell me to stop the Lovenox and call the office tomorrow so we can discuss it. Or stop today and come in tomorrow so he could take a look at it. THIS IS A BIG DEAL PEOPLE!!!!!! I need to know if we're stopping it because they think I'm complaining about the reaction and can't take it or if he's really concerned about the effect on a pregnancy. I need to know what the risk is if I'm not on it. I'm very upset with all of this and I'm going to go watch a movie and calm down and then tomorrow I'm calling Dr. W.

Bitchy Nurses

I started getting a cold the night before transfer and since then it has gotten a lot worse. I told the nurse that day that I really never have to use an inhaler but I was having some trouble breathing and asked if it was okay to use it. She had a look on her face and said that they want you to have your breathing under control so if you need to use it it's okay. That to me sounded a little rough like it's not good to use it but if you can't breathe then what are you going to do? So I thought one or two times would be okay but I've had to use it atleast once a day since then and I've began getting concerned. I also showed Dr. A my stomach and the reaction I'm having to the Lovenox injections that I take once a day. He looked at it and said it's a site reaction and it should be fine. Well it's all gotten worse since that day and I've been getting pretty concerned. My cold is still in my head and a lot has settled in my chest and my coughing is terrible. Then it gets to where I can't breathe and I'm coughing even more which I worry is bad for implantation so I use the inhaler. My stomach is covered with welts from everytime that I've given myself a shot. The welts are the size of half dollars (atleast!), they itch like crazy, and they are really swollen. Now, I can handle it (even though it's really out of control how bad it itches!) and I don't mind doing it but I want to make sure that this isn't more of a reaction now than it was and that it can't be harmful if I am pregnant.

So, I called the exchange today since they tell you all sweet and caring like on the day of the transfer... "if you have ANY questions or concerns in the next couple weeks don't hesitate to call. We have an exchange if it's after hours." REALLY?! I'm pretty sure when I did call to tell them my concerns this morning they were terribly mean! The operator was awful and the nurse was worse. Nurse A called me back and when I told her about the inhaler she said "if your having trouble breathing of course you need to take it. I heard Nurse C tell you that the other day." Like I am some child going from mom to dad to get my way! Then when I told her about the Lovenox reaction she said "I don't know what to tell you, I can't tell you not to take it because then if you don't get pregnant you're going to be saying 'Nurse A told me not to take it' ". What the hell is wrong with this woman? Then she kept saying "Well, this is it. There's only this and heparin and your allergic to heparin so I don't know what to tell you." When I told her I was fine with the reaction I just wanted to make sure that it wasn't harmful if I am pregnant she just kept saying the same thing. "I can't tell you what to do so the only thing I can tell you is to call back tomorrow and talk to the doctor because I can't get ahold of him today." She was so rude that I hung up and called Jill because I was crying so hard. I have never had anyone, anywhere talk so rude to me! This is my first time doing this and we've sure given them a lot of money so you would think that she would have a little more compassion and understanding. Why is she even doing this job if she is so rude? My only concern is getting pregnant and doing what's right and she made me feel like I was bothering her and that I was a complete idiot. I don't even know what to do at this point.

Bed rest

Well, we had transfer yesterday!!! They transfered 2 embryos and they were perfect. They froze one and are looking at the rest today to see if there are more. The procedure was so easy, not one ounce of pain. We have a picture of our 2 blastocysts and an ultrasound picture of my uterus with 2 arrows pointing to a white fuzzy blob which is the fluid that the embryos were transfered in. Very exciting! Now I'm on bed rest with sergeant Tony who is doing a really good job taking care of me. I'm also extremely sick on top of it with a terrible cold. Will write more tomorrow.

Tomorrow's the big day!

Just a short note to say that I'm so excited I don't know what to do with myself! They should be calling us in the morning to tell us what time to come in and I can't wait! We're really hoping for as many of the 7 embryos as possible to be perfect. I know it may not work but I can't help being excited knowing that as of tomorrow I will have babies growing inside of me... please let them grow, please let them grow!!!! I will write more as soon as I can, though Tony is quite the stickler about me staying in bed. It's supposed to be 2 days but he's added on a third... silly boy.

Day 3 phone call

We got the phone call from the doctor's office around 9:30 a.m. and the nurse said that we are definately going to do a day 5 transfer (meaning Wednesday). She said that 7 of the 8 have grown and that they are all so good. She actually said that they are doing so well it would be impossible to pick the best 2 out of them so they want to wait until Wednesday to see if we can weed out the weaker ones. We are so ecstatic! It's crazy to think that we have babies growing right now! We want as many as possible to grow so that we can have the others frozen and do this again in a couple years. I'm so excited that they are doing so well and it's so hard knowing we have to wait 2 more days to find out how they're doing again! Of course we did all the phone calls that we do everytime we find out something new. Jerry, Sandy, mom, Jami, Lisa, Mary... it's fun keeping everyone updated and they all get so excited. I think I'm in shock a little at the idea that I could be pregnant in 2 days. This is what I've always wanted and what I've been waiting for for so long and so now that it's actually here it seems so surreal! We do know that there's a good chance that it won't work and we keep that in the back of our mind but we are so hopeful and positive. For my age and all of my numbers we have a 67% chance of it working and a 40% chance of having twins (which of course we'd be ecstatic to find out!) so we just keep thinking that it will go our way....... it has to! So now we wait until Wednesday for them to call us and let us know what time to come in for the transfer. Yay!!!!!!

(As for how I'm feeling.... I am on Lovenox injections every morning which I have to make sure with the doctor that my reaction is normal. I have welts the size of half dollars everywhere that I have injected and they itch. I think that I had the same reaction when I did these last year but I'm not sure. I had an allergic reaction to heparin so they had switched me to Lovenox. I'm really hoping this reaction is okay because if it's an allergy we're screwed. Lovenox and heparin are the only injectible forms and the pills cause birth defects... one more thing to stress about! I am also extremely tired- more than usual- and am not sleeping well at night and I'm getting so FAT! Other than that I take the dexamethasone every morning also and I take prenatals, fabb, and aspirin every evening. I finished my z-pak last night and tonight Tony has to give me a shot of hydroxyprogesterone again. It is a good time around here!)

Sunday

Tony and I decided to go to Chesterfield mall today to go to Olga's for lunch, see a movie, and then get Dip n Dots afterward. I was so excited because Olga's is one of my favorites but when we got there we found out that they closed 4 months ago... I was crushed. So then we went to the food court and nothing sounded very good. We went and saw Angels and Demons which was really good. Then we went to get Dip n Dots and found out that they were closed also! We did find a machine that sold them but it wasn't the same. On the way home we stopped at his parents because we feel like we haven't seen them much at all. We ended up staying for quite a while and ordering pizza for dinner. Most of the day was spent with the four of us throwing out every imaginable crazy baby name you could think of. Personal favorites... Chip, Noodle, Templeton... (obviously those were Tony's suggestions!). It was a lot of fun.

Feeling a little better

Saturday was definately better than Friday. I was able to finally hold things down after about 1:30 a.m. and the rest of the day I didn't get sick at all. I was pretty sore and my stomach is so bloated that I'm pretty miserable but atleast I'm not throwing up any more. Tony hated it so much and said that when they do the transfer he's going to tell them that I can't be sedated with whatever they used before. You should have seen what a good job he did taking care of me! Friday night Sandy brought over chicken parmesan that she made for us... so good! And then Jerry baked my favorite cake and sent it over. Then on Saturday my mom and Buddy came over and my mom brought me homemade chicken noodle soup (my favorite thing ever!) and they stayed they whole day. It was really nice. We also got a phone call in the morning that they retrieved 9 eggs, 9 were mature, and 8 fertilized! That is fantastic! We are so excited and can't stand waiting until Monday to find out how our little embryos are doing! Grow, grow, grow!

Retrieval... not so fun

Well ER went just fine, it's the after part that sucks. If it weren't for the pain, bleeding, and vomiting I would have been okay! I was in bed all day and terribly sick. I began drinking 7 up and eating saltines just so I would have something in my stomach when I got sick. It was utterly awful! Tony was amazing and took care of me like my mom would have. He brought me anything I needed, he checked on me constantly, and went and got anything I wanted. What a great husband! It was a terrible day, one where you feel like you're going to die. I could not hold anything down (not even water) until around 1:30 a.m. There was quite a lot of bleeding and quite a bit of pain also. It is all worth it of course, but it was hell.

Retrieval

We got to the institute at 11:00 a.m. and they immediately took me back to a room to get undressed and put on a gown. Nurse C came in and explained a bunch of things to me that I do not remember and then started my IV in my hand. When she was finished with my IV she went to get Tony. While I was waiting Dr. W poked his head in, all smiles, and said "can you believe it's finally here?!" I tell him we're so excited to see him (since we haven't seen him at all since we decided to do IVF) and I start to get a little emotional. He came in the room and put his hand on mine and seemed so excited that we were getting ready to do this. I began crying even more (lunatic!) and he kept saying "your so sweet" and put his arms under my back, lifted me up, and just hugged me... THIS is why we love our doctor! He is so wonderful and he really is so excited for us. At this point Tony came in and we all talked for a few minutes. Doctor W left and the anethesiologist came in to ask me a bunch of questions. I guess she didn't like some of my responses because she said that she wasn't going to put me completely out and that she would have me heavily sedated but that she needed me awake enough so that if she told me to breathe that I could. Then they wheeled me down the hall to the "Operating Room" and sent Tony on his way. I remember getting on the table and getting situated and I remember there being about 6 people in there and Dr. W saying, "this is Lora and she has been waiting a long time for this). The next thing I remember I was waking up off and on back in my room. I was very out of it and I have a vague recollection of the anestesiologist shaking me numerous time during the procedure and telling me to breathe. After that Nurse C gave me a bunch of instructions that I don't remember and we left. At this point... not so bad.

ER today!!!!

It is 7:30 and I cannot sleep in because I am too excited about going in for ER at 11:00! Tony is so excited also but he's sure snoring away in there. I'm wondering what it will be like. I know I will be out but from what I've read some people are a little sore and some people hurt like crazy... I'm hoping for a little sore myself. I'm also really excited about seeing Dr. W since I have not delt with him since we decided to go with IVF and he is my specialist. He will do retrieval and transfer which I am happy about... we really love him. I am terrible at waiting for the unknown. I keep imagining how many eggs we'll get. I know Dr. A said maybe 10, Tony is thinking 6, but I'm really hoping for 12 - 15. I really, really, really want to have atleast 3 or 4 to freeze. I'm not trying to be greedy but I'm afraid once it comes down to it Tony will not want to spend the money again down the road and I want more kids. Even if it's hard I think the end justifies the means. I haven't been able to have anything to drink since before midnight and it's so rough because I had a sore throat to begin with and now after sleeping all night and not having any water it feels as though I am swallowing barbed wire. Mmmmm, doesn't that sound pleasant?! Well, I'm guess I'm going to go lay down and try to fall asleep for the next 2 hours. Keep growing guys, keep growing!!!

One day until ER!!!

Now it is Thursday and we only have one more day until retrieval! I took my z-pak and trigger shot last night and now I just have to get through the rest of today and it all begins!!!!!! Everyone at my work is so ecstatic you would think it was them who was going through this. Our families are so excited also. Tony's dad knows more about what we're having done than we do... lots of research :) and Tony's sister Mary says she's a little sick of hearing about my periods and follicles from her dad (she thinks it's a little odd). I think it is hilarious! Our parents are so excited and our sisters and our friends that it really makes it seem like there are so many people involved other than just us. When we do have a baby we'll have to let them know someday how much the world was rooting for them! And how we have never wanted anything more.

Rest up little follicles... tomorrow is a big day!!! (oh... and to the little ones, keep growing, we could use all the good ones we can get!)

A Quick Update...

Yesterday was our ultrasound and everything looked great. I don't know for sure how many follicles there were but the doctor figures there are around 10 "good" ones. Meaning that there are 10 that are good size and will probably have mature eggs in them. Though there could end up being more. They said I needed to do 2 more vials of Bravelle and come back Wednesday for another u/s and would probably have my trigger shot on Thursday and retrieval on Saturday. Tony and I went back today (Wednesday) and were very happy to see that they had grown more and now the doctor said I will have my trigger shot tonight and retrieval on Friday! We were so excited! My body finally did what it was supposed to do and everything looks so good. My estradiol was around 1800 which he said was good also. So now I take my trigger shot (Ovudrel) tonight at 10:00 p.m. and start my z-pak, fast after midnight tomorrow (Thursday), and go in at 11:00 a.m. on Friday to have retrieval at noon. We went into Ms. Personalities office (a nurse who is not mine that we've had to deal with the last 2 days and she pretty much sucks) and she went over what I have to do at home for the next 2 days. It's odd to Tony and I that you would allow people to work for you that are not overflowing with kindness or enthusiasm when their patients are having to pay such ridiculous amounts of money. Anyway, Dr. A also said that he will probably do a 5 day transfer which I am a little surprised about. I thought (from everything I have read and heard from them) that they look at them on day 3 and day 5 to see when they are ready. So it's a little confusing to me that he would already have decided to do 5 day instead of waiting to see what they are doing on day 3... strange. If he for sure does a 5 day transfer then they will be put in next Wednesday. I can't wait to hear from them when they are growing and to see the pictures of the embryos that are doing well... it's so crazy this whole process! So now we will see how it goes on Friday!! I am very sore tonight after that poking and prodding he does on my ovaries. I told T it felt like my right one was in my rib cage but he's pretty sure it isn't. They do feel like they weigh about 10 lbs each though and it's a really weird feeling. I also can't sleep very well which I think is due to the Lupron. I fall asleep but I wake up constantly throughout the night and according to T I'm very restless. But since I'm done with the Lupron maybe my sleep will be better... let's hope so.

Tony and I are so excited about everything and he is being so funny. We went to lunch after my u/s both days and he keeps referring to everything we do as a "10 egg celebration"! We went to get ice cream and the whole way home he drank his shake saying we were having a "10 egg celebration". He's such a dork! Tuesday night he also rubbed my stomach and really tried to give it a pep talk. I absolutely cannot wait to tell him he's going to be a dad... he deserves it so much and he will be such a good one. (He will be a crazy dad but they will love him so much!)