I have been on Bravelle for 5 days now. I did 5 vials the first day and then went down to 4 vials for 3 days. Last night I did 3 vials but added a vial of Menopur. Tonight 2 vials of Bravelle and tomorrow the same but I add 1 vial of Menopur again. The Menopur kind of sucks. It burned so bad that it probably took me 3 or 4 minutes to inject it all. It was fine afterwards but I definately felt weird. I was really dizzy and extremely tired... more so than with just the Bravelle. Today is Sunday and I cannot believe that Tuesday is almost here. Tony was asking me which day I was the most excited about. If it was Tuesday for the ultrasound, egg retrieval, or the transfer. I told him at this point definately egg retrieval because that makes it seem so real.
I don't think that people can fully grasp what this whole process is like unless they're going through it themselves. So many people get pregnant right away or by accident and they have the instant joy of knowing they are going to have a baby. There is no reason for them to stress over whether or not they will have a family. But for us this has pretty much been over a year and a half of stress, worry, disappointment, and anticipation. The thoughts are always in the back of my mind... "what if it doesn't happen?" My whole life all I've ever wanted was a baby and the fear of not having one is always there. I had no idea what I was in for when we started this process and I don't think a lot of women do. I would do absolutely ANYTHING to make this work and even though I complain about the hormones and the headaches and the tiredness and the dizziness... I would go through this a million times worse and every month for the rest of my life if in the end we have a baby.
It's funny how obsessive this whole process has made me. In the beginning it was just thinking about it constantly and having myself convinced each time that it had worked and that I was pregnant. Then it was obsessing trying NOT to let myself think I was. Then obsessing about the financial part of all of it. Obsessing each time I or Tony had to get a test done (and let me tell you, there are a lot!) and waiting for the results to come back. Then we began the IVF process and it was what if my baseline u/s isn't good, what if my meds don't arrive on time, what if I don't start, what if I have a bad reaction to the injections and can't do them, what if I don't produce enough follicles, what if I don't produce any, what if I hyperstimulate and we can't do the procedure at all, what if I don't have enough good follicles to freeze and we can't afford to do this again and I don't get to have more children, what if, what if, what if. It's terrible but you can't even help doing it! It's really out of control but impossible to stop.
So now we just wait until Tuesday. We wait to see if the follicles are ready and how many we will have. We wait to see if I need to do more injections. We wait to see if there will be more ultrasounds. We wait to hear when we will come back for retrieval. We continue to wait.... but not for long! It is so surreal to me that it is almost here and that we are so close to having what we've always wanted!