Do I dare to hope?

It's been quite a while since I've updated this and it's been crazy. We found out we were pregnant a week ago Wednesday (6/10) and we were ecstatic. My baseline beta (drawn 6/9 on day 11) was 59 which Nurse C said was really, really good. It is supposed to double every 48 hours so I had another beta drawn on day 13 (6/11) and it was 101. The nurse said that they definately want to see it double but at this time there was no need to be concerned since it was so close. Another beta drawn on day 17 (6/15) was 334. This one they sound a little more concerned about since it had been 4 days and we wanted to see it around 410. Then Wednesday the sky fell down..... day 19 beta (6/17) was 455. The nurse called and said "I don't have very good news." She told me the number and said that they don't have much hope at this point. I was crushed, devastated, and broken hearted. This isn't like hearing that it didn't take, this is being pregnant and being told your baby isn't going to make it. It was the saddest thing I've ever heard. I left work early and went home and went to bed. When Tony called I told him and he handled it so well. He did what he could to console me and try to make me feel better but it wasn't much use. He also called his family and told them and asked them not to call. It was the worst day.

By Thursday I felt a little better. As terrible as the whole thing is I know we have another try and I need to remember that it's out of my hands. The nurse and I had discussed whether I wanted to do a blood test Friday or wait until Monday and we both agreed I should just wait until Monday. By the afternoon on Thursday though I had changed my mind. I know me and I know that I will obsess over this all weekend. By the end of the weekend I will be killing myself wondering if my number went up or if it has gone down (which would mean a miscarriage). I needed to have it drawn on Friday so I knew where I was going into the weekend. The nurse understood.

So this morning I went and got my blood drawn and the nurse called me to tell me that my beta is now 863! That is only 47 points shy of doubling! Now, just to set the record straight, this doesn't mean that much. My numbers are to a point where they can atleast do an ultrasound now and we can possibly get some answers. They are still not very hopeful and when I asked if there was any reason to hope... even a little.... the nurse said that they needed me to be realistic. I understand that they do not want me to get my hopes up and that they don't want to give me false hope but the way I see it is this... I am pregnant. Plain and simple. I have a baby growing inside me and even though it may not be growing as fast as it should and even though it most likely will not continue growing, right now it is. I'm not kidding myself, I know that the chance is very slim, but I also know there is a chance and as long as there is a chance I'm going to have hope that my baby will grow. God has done crazier things and there are a lot of people who have been in my situation that have happy endings. And I am going to hope that mine is happy too.

Dr. W calls

Dr. W called me on Monday to ask me about the reaction on my stomach. I told him all about it and he said that he was going to check on some things and call me back. He called me back and said that he consulted with the high risk doctor and that the other doctor sees no reason why I should continue taking the Lovenox at this time. That my antibodies were out of range but not by much and so the baby aspirin should be enough. Whew! Someone who finally has an answer and reasons for it! Then Dr. W also ordered some bloodwork to check the antibodies again and make sure that they aren't higher (I suppose) and he also ordered the entire auto-immune panel.

I went yesterday (Tuesday) to get my blood drawn for Dr. W and also my baseline beta hcg and other things for Dr. A's office. So, now I just wait until tomorrow (Thursday) to do another beta hcg and find out if the first one doubles and if it does then I am pregnant!!!! Though Nurse C did tell me a little something today but I'm not telling! We have told everyone that we are testing the end of next week so that we could atleast surprise them a little. That way if we are pregnant we can surprise them sooner and if we're not then we'd have some time to absorb it. It's hard with IVF because you can't really keep it from anyone with how much you have to do, how much you have to miss work, the moods, the tiredness, the sickness. So everyone knows. It's not like finding out naturally and waiting until you're in the clear to tell everyone and there is that fear of having to tell so many people it didn't work or even, God forbid, a miscarriage. But... we are thinking positive thoughts! And as for right now I have one foot on cloud nine and really hope tomorrow I can jump all the way on and do a dance!

Tony calls the nurse

Well, first I called Nurse C to find out what was going on with this Lovenox. I told her everything that happened with the hag the day before and she said that she certainly should not have handled it the way she did. She told me to continue taking the Lovenox, use benadryl cream, and go to Dr. W's office to have him look at it and decide from there. Good.

Then Tony called back and asked to talk to Nurse A. He opened with "I just wanted to call and tell you that I think the way you talked to my wife yesterday was extremely unprofessional and ridiculous." Yay Tony!!!! I'm sitting there thinking how much I hate the confrontation but how much I love feeling like my husband is some sort of knight in shining armour battling some crazy dragon. Then it happened. The hag went insanely sweet apologizing over, and over, and over. Tony was so mad cause he said it's hard to really lay into someone when they are constantly saying "I'm sorry". "Oh no!, Oh no! I would never have intentionally made her feel that way! I'm so sorry that it came across that way!".... at first that is what she said. After that it was... "I'm so sorry that she took it that way! All I was trying to tell her was that I didn't know what to tell her because I'm not the doctor." Liar! I took it the only possible way that I could. Anyway, she offered to call me and apologize but Tony said I was pretty upset and that it was not a good idea. I love him :)

The hag called back

Nurse A just called me back and said that she got ahold of Dr. A and that he wants me to stop taking Lovenox. What the hell is wrong with these people? From the start it's been so important for me to take because otherwise these cardiac antibodies that I have would attack a pregnancy and now, without any explanation, it's okay to just stop?! He said just take a baby aspirin, which I already do. I am calling Dr. W's office tomorrow because this office is ridiculous. You don't just tell someone to stop without discussing it further. Why didn't he say to tell me to stop the Lovenox and call the office tomorrow so we can discuss it. Or stop today and come in tomorrow so he could take a look at it. THIS IS A BIG DEAL PEOPLE!!!!!! I need to know if we're stopping it because they think I'm complaining about the reaction and can't take it or if he's really concerned about the effect on a pregnancy. I need to know what the risk is if I'm not on it. I'm very upset with all of this and I'm going to go watch a movie and calm down and then tomorrow I'm calling Dr. W.

Bitchy Nurses

I started getting a cold the night before transfer and since then it has gotten a lot worse. I told the nurse that day that I really never have to use an inhaler but I was having some trouble breathing and asked if it was okay to use it. She had a look on her face and said that they want you to have your breathing under control so if you need to use it it's okay. That to me sounded a little rough like it's not good to use it but if you can't breathe then what are you going to do? So I thought one or two times would be okay but I've had to use it atleast once a day since then and I've began getting concerned. I also showed Dr. A my stomach and the reaction I'm having to the Lovenox injections that I take once a day. He looked at it and said it's a site reaction and it should be fine. Well it's all gotten worse since that day and I've been getting pretty concerned. My cold is still in my head and a lot has settled in my chest and my coughing is terrible. Then it gets to where I can't breathe and I'm coughing even more which I worry is bad for implantation so I use the inhaler. My stomach is covered with welts from everytime that I've given myself a shot. The welts are the size of half dollars (atleast!), they itch like crazy, and they are really swollen. Now, I can handle it (even though it's really out of control how bad it itches!) and I don't mind doing it but I want to make sure that this isn't more of a reaction now than it was and that it can't be harmful if I am pregnant.

So, I called the exchange today since they tell you all sweet and caring like on the day of the transfer... "if you have ANY questions or concerns in the next couple weeks don't hesitate to call. We have an exchange if it's after hours." REALLY?! I'm pretty sure when I did call to tell them my concerns this morning they were terribly mean! The operator was awful and the nurse was worse. Nurse A called me back and when I told her about the inhaler she said "if your having trouble breathing of course you need to take it. I heard Nurse C tell you that the other day." Like I am some child going from mom to dad to get my way! Then when I told her about the Lovenox reaction she said "I don't know what to tell you, I can't tell you not to take it because then if you don't get pregnant you're going to be saying 'Nurse A told me not to take it' ". What the hell is wrong with this woman? Then she kept saying "Well, this is it. There's only this and heparin and your allergic to heparin so I don't know what to tell you." When I told her I was fine with the reaction I just wanted to make sure that it wasn't harmful if I am pregnant she just kept saying the same thing. "I can't tell you what to do so the only thing I can tell you is to call back tomorrow and talk to the doctor because I can't get ahold of him today." She was so rude that I hung up and called Jill because I was crying so hard. I have never had anyone, anywhere talk so rude to me! This is my first time doing this and we've sure given them a lot of money so you would think that she would have a little more compassion and understanding. Why is she even doing this job if she is so rude? My only concern is getting pregnant and doing what's right and she made me feel like I was bothering her and that I was a complete idiot. I don't even know what to do at this point.

Bed rest

Well, we had transfer yesterday!!! They transfered 2 embryos and they were perfect. They froze one and are looking at the rest today to see if there are more. The procedure was so easy, not one ounce of pain. We have a picture of our 2 blastocysts and an ultrasound picture of my uterus with 2 arrows pointing to a white fuzzy blob which is the fluid that the embryos were transfered in. Very exciting! Now I'm on bed rest with sergeant Tony who is doing a really good job taking care of me. I'm also extremely sick on top of it with a terrible cold. Will write more tomorrow.

Tomorrow's the big day!

Just a short note to say that I'm so excited I don't know what to do with myself! They should be calling us in the morning to tell us what time to come in and I can't wait! We're really hoping for as many of the 7 embryos as possible to be perfect. I know it may not work but I can't help being excited knowing that as of tomorrow I will have babies growing inside of me... please let them grow, please let them grow!!!! I will write more as soon as I can, though Tony is quite the stickler about me staying in bed. It's supposed to be 2 days but he's added on a third... silly boy.

Day 3 phone call

We got the phone call from the doctor's office around 9:30 a.m. and the nurse said that we are definately going to do a day 5 transfer (meaning Wednesday). She said that 7 of the 8 have grown and that they are all so good. She actually said that they are doing so well it would be impossible to pick the best 2 out of them so they want to wait until Wednesday to see if we can weed out the weaker ones. We are so ecstatic! It's crazy to think that we have babies growing right now! We want as many as possible to grow so that we can have the others frozen and do this again in a couple years. I'm so excited that they are doing so well and it's so hard knowing we have to wait 2 more days to find out how they're doing again! Of course we did all the phone calls that we do everytime we find out something new. Jerry, Sandy, mom, Jami, Lisa, Mary... it's fun keeping everyone updated and they all get so excited. I think I'm in shock a little at the idea that I could be pregnant in 2 days. This is what I've always wanted and what I've been waiting for for so long and so now that it's actually here it seems so surreal! We do know that there's a good chance that it won't work and we keep that in the back of our mind but we are so hopeful and positive. For my age and all of my numbers we have a 67% chance of it working and a 40% chance of having twins (which of course we'd be ecstatic to find out!) so we just keep thinking that it will go our way....... it has to! So now we wait until Wednesday for them to call us and let us know what time to come in for the transfer. Yay!!!!!!

(As for how I'm feeling.... I am on Lovenox injections every morning which I have to make sure with the doctor that my reaction is normal. I have welts the size of half dollars everywhere that I have injected and they itch. I think that I had the same reaction when I did these last year but I'm not sure. I had an allergic reaction to heparin so they had switched me to Lovenox. I'm really hoping this reaction is okay because if it's an allergy we're screwed. Lovenox and heparin are the only injectible forms and the pills cause birth defects... one more thing to stress about! I am also extremely tired- more than usual- and am not sleeping well at night and I'm getting so FAT! Other than that I take the dexamethasone every morning also and I take prenatals, fabb, and aspirin every evening. I finished my z-pak last night and tonight Tony has to give me a shot of hydroxyprogesterone again. It is a good time around here!)

Sunday

Tony and I decided to go to Chesterfield mall today to go to Olga's for lunch, see a movie, and then get Dip n Dots afterward. I was so excited because Olga's is one of my favorites but when we got there we found out that they closed 4 months ago... I was crushed. So then we went to the food court and nothing sounded very good. We went and saw Angels and Demons which was really good. Then we went to get Dip n Dots and found out that they were closed also! We did find a machine that sold them but it wasn't the same. On the way home we stopped at his parents because we feel like we haven't seen them much at all. We ended up staying for quite a while and ordering pizza for dinner. Most of the day was spent with the four of us throwing out every imaginable crazy baby name you could think of. Personal favorites... Chip, Noodle, Templeton... (obviously those were Tony's suggestions!). It was a lot of fun.

Feeling a little better

Saturday was definately better than Friday. I was able to finally hold things down after about 1:30 a.m. and the rest of the day I didn't get sick at all. I was pretty sore and my stomach is so bloated that I'm pretty miserable but atleast I'm not throwing up any more. Tony hated it so much and said that when they do the transfer he's going to tell them that I can't be sedated with whatever they used before. You should have seen what a good job he did taking care of me! Friday night Sandy brought over chicken parmesan that she made for us... so good! And then Jerry baked my favorite cake and sent it over. Then on Saturday my mom and Buddy came over and my mom brought me homemade chicken noodle soup (my favorite thing ever!) and they stayed they whole day. It was really nice. We also got a phone call in the morning that they retrieved 9 eggs, 9 were mature, and 8 fertilized! That is fantastic! We are so excited and can't stand waiting until Monday to find out how our little embryos are doing! Grow, grow, grow!

Retrieval... not so fun

Well ER went just fine, it's the after part that sucks. If it weren't for the pain, bleeding, and vomiting I would have been okay! I was in bed all day and terribly sick. I began drinking 7 up and eating saltines just so I would have something in my stomach when I got sick. It was utterly awful! Tony was amazing and took care of me like my mom would have. He brought me anything I needed, he checked on me constantly, and went and got anything I wanted. What a great husband! It was a terrible day, one where you feel like you're going to die. I could not hold anything down (not even water) until around 1:30 a.m. There was quite a lot of bleeding and quite a bit of pain also. It is all worth it of course, but it was hell.

Retrieval

We got to the institute at 11:00 a.m. and they immediately took me back to a room to get undressed and put on a gown. Nurse C came in and explained a bunch of things to me that I do not remember and then started my IV in my hand. When she was finished with my IV she went to get Tony. While I was waiting Dr. W poked his head in, all smiles, and said "can you believe it's finally here?!" I tell him we're so excited to see him (since we haven't seen him at all since we decided to do IVF) and I start to get a little emotional. He came in the room and put his hand on mine and seemed so excited that we were getting ready to do this. I began crying even more (lunatic!) and he kept saying "your so sweet" and put his arms under my back, lifted me up, and just hugged me... THIS is why we love our doctor! He is so wonderful and he really is so excited for us. At this point Tony came in and we all talked for a few minutes. Doctor W left and the anethesiologist came in to ask me a bunch of questions. I guess she didn't like some of my responses because she said that she wasn't going to put me completely out and that she would have me heavily sedated but that she needed me awake enough so that if she told me to breathe that I could. Then they wheeled me down the hall to the "Operating Room" and sent Tony on his way. I remember getting on the table and getting situated and I remember there being about 6 people in there and Dr. W saying, "this is Lora and she has been waiting a long time for this). The next thing I remember I was waking up off and on back in my room. I was very out of it and I have a vague recollection of the anestesiologist shaking me numerous time during the procedure and telling me to breathe. After that Nurse C gave me a bunch of instructions that I don't remember and we left. At this point... not so bad.

ER today!!!!

It is 7:30 and I cannot sleep in because I am too excited about going in for ER at 11:00! Tony is so excited also but he's sure snoring away in there. I'm wondering what it will be like. I know I will be out but from what I've read some people are a little sore and some people hurt like crazy... I'm hoping for a little sore myself. I'm also really excited about seeing Dr. W since I have not delt with him since we decided to go with IVF and he is my specialist. He will do retrieval and transfer which I am happy about... we really love him. I am terrible at waiting for the unknown. I keep imagining how many eggs we'll get. I know Dr. A said maybe 10, Tony is thinking 6, but I'm really hoping for 12 - 15. I really, really, really want to have atleast 3 or 4 to freeze. I'm not trying to be greedy but I'm afraid once it comes down to it Tony will not want to spend the money again down the road and I want more kids. Even if it's hard I think the end justifies the means. I haven't been able to have anything to drink since before midnight and it's so rough because I had a sore throat to begin with and now after sleeping all night and not having any water it feels as though I am swallowing barbed wire. Mmmmm, doesn't that sound pleasant?! Well, I'm guess I'm going to go lay down and try to fall asleep for the next 2 hours. Keep growing guys, keep growing!!!

One day until ER!!!

Now it is Thursday and we only have one more day until retrieval! I took my z-pak and trigger shot last night and now I just have to get through the rest of today and it all begins!!!!!! Everyone at my work is so ecstatic you would think it was them who was going through this. Our families are so excited also. Tony's dad knows more about what we're having done than we do... lots of research :) and Tony's sister Mary says she's a little sick of hearing about my periods and follicles from her dad (she thinks it's a little odd). I think it is hilarious! Our parents are so excited and our sisters and our friends that it really makes it seem like there are so many people involved other than just us. When we do have a baby we'll have to let them know someday how much the world was rooting for them! And how we have never wanted anything more.

Rest up little follicles... tomorrow is a big day!!! (oh... and to the little ones, keep growing, we could use all the good ones we can get!)

A Quick Update...

Yesterday was our ultrasound and everything looked great. I don't know for sure how many follicles there were but the doctor figures there are around 10 "good" ones. Meaning that there are 10 that are good size and will probably have mature eggs in them. Though there could end up being more. They said I needed to do 2 more vials of Bravelle and come back Wednesday for another u/s and would probably have my trigger shot on Thursday and retrieval on Saturday. Tony and I went back today (Wednesday) and were very happy to see that they had grown more and now the doctor said I will have my trigger shot tonight and retrieval on Friday! We were so excited! My body finally did what it was supposed to do and everything looks so good. My estradiol was around 1800 which he said was good also. So now I take my trigger shot (Ovudrel) tonight at 10:00 p.m. and start my z-pak, fast after midnight tomorrow (Thursday), and go in at 11:00 a.m. on Friday to have retrieval at noon. We went into Ms. Personalities office (a nurse who is not mine that we've had to deal with the last 2 days and she pretty much sucks) and she went over what I have to do at home for the next 2 days. It's odd to Tony and I that you would allow people to work for you that are not overflowing with kindness or enthusiasm when their patients are having to pay such ridiculous amounts of money. Anyway, Dr. A also said that he will probably do a 5 day transfer which I am a little surprised about. I thought (from everything I have read and heard from them) that they look at them on day 3 and day 5 to see when they are ready. So it's a little confusing to me that he would already have decided to do 5 day instead of waiting to see what they are doing on day 3... strange. If he for sure does a 5 day transfer then they will be put in next Wednesday. I can't wait to hear from them when they are growing and to see the pictures of the embryos that are doing well... it's so crazy this whole process! So now we will see how it goes on Friday!! I am very sore tonight after that poking and prodding he does on my ovaries. I told T it felt like my right one was in my rib cage but he's pretty sure it isn't. They do feel like they weigh about 10 lbs each though and it's a really weird feeling. I also can't sleep very well which I think is due to the Lupron. I fall asleep but I wake up constantly throughout the night and according to T I'm very restless. But since I'm done with the Lupron maybe my sleep will be better... let's hope so.

Tony and I are so excited about everything and he is being so funny. We went to lunch after my u/s both days and he keeps referring to everything we do as a "10 egg celebration"! We went to get ice cream and the whole way home he drank his shake saying we were having a "10 egg celebration". He's such a dork! Tuesday night he also rubbed my stomach and really tried to give it a pep talk. I absolutely cannot wait to tell him he's going to be a dad... he deserves it so much and he will be such a good one. (He will be a crazy dad but they will love him so much!)

If I were a nail biter I would be biting my nails...

So today is the big ultrasound day! It's sad that I can't just be excited and that I have to freak myself out with all the ways it could go wrong. It's like if I let myself think that everything will be fine then I will jinx it and I can't allow some crazy jinx! So, I have to let myself think of all the things that could go wrong so that I'm not completely shocked and disappointed if it does. Everyone at work is so excited and they ask me everyday how I'm feeling and when's the big day... it is really nice knowing that we have so many people praying for us. I work with really nice, caring, wonderful people and I feel as though we've been through all of this together. It is always a hot topic at lunch and today was no exception. Someone asked me if I was too nervous to eat and I just laughed at them. Have I ever been too anything to eat?! Tony is excited, NOT nervous like me. He thinks that everything is going to be fine which is good to hear. We don't need both of us stressing.

We had such a busy weekend for us for a change. We normally never really go anywhere on weekends because Tony has to work but this weekend was jam packed. Friday night we went to a trivia night for a student at my school. Saturday we went to Greekfest, Sunday to Ribfest, and Monday to Gypsy Caravan. We bought a statue of St. Francis and I'm convinced that it's good to have in my trunk. After that we went to my in-laws for dinner. Lisa and Todd came with the baby and I'm convinced that Tony and I need to have twins so that we each always have one to hold and don't fight over it. It's so calming to hold him... he's such a good baby and he's so beautiful. I can't wait for my turn.

Anyway, I'm leaving work in 15 minutes to go home and meet Tony to go to the ultrasound. The nurse just called to tell me that we didn't need to bring anything and to make sure that I got my blood test this morning. She also said that all my symptoms are COMPLETELY NORMAL and that I shouldn't worry. Now I just need to figure out what to stress about now :)

I have been on Bravelle for 5 days now. I did 5 vials the first day and then went down to 4 vials for 3 days. Last night I did 3 vials but added a vial of Menopur. Tonight 2 vials of Bravelle and tomorrow the same but I add 1 vial of Menopur again. The Menopur kind of sucks. It burned so bad that it probably took me 3 or 4 minutes to inject it all. It was fine afterwards but I definately felt weird. I was really dizzy and extremely tired... more so than with just the Bravelle. Today is Sunday and I cannot believe that Tuesday is almost here. Tony was asking me which day I was the most excited about. If it was Tuesday for the ultrasound, egg retrieval, or the transfer. I told him at this point definately egg retrieval because that makes it seem so real.
I don't think that people can fully grasp what this whole process is like unless they're going through it themselves. So many people get pregnant right away or by accident and they have the instant joy of knowing they are going to have a baby. There is no reason for them to stress over whether or not they will have a family. But for us this has pretty much been over a year and a half of stress, worry, disappointment, and anticipation. The thoughts are always in the back of my mind... "what if it doesn't happen?" My whole life all I've ever wanted was a baby and the fear of not having one is always there. I had no idea what I was in for when we started this process and I don't think a lot of women do. I would do absolutely ANYTHING to make this work and even though I complain about the hormones and the headaches and the tiredness and the dizziness... I would go through this a million times worse and every month for the rest of my life if in the end we have a baby.
It's funny how obsessive this whole process has made me. In the beginning it was just thinking about it constantly and having myself convinced each time that it had worked and that I was pregnant. Then it was obsessing trying NOT to let myself think I was. Then obsessing about the financial part of all of it. Obsessing each time I or Tony had to get a test done (and let me tell you, there are a lot!) and waiting for the results to come back. Then we began the IVF process and it was what if my baseline u/s isn't good, what if my meds don't arrive on time, what if I don't start, what if I have a bad reaction to the injections and can't do them, what if I don't produce enough follicles, what if I don't produce any, what if I hyperstimulate and we can't do the procedure at all, what if I don't have enough good follicles to freeze and we can't afford to do this again and I don't get to have more children, what if, what if, what if. It's terrible but you can't even help doing it! It's really out of control but impossible to stop.
So now we just wait until Tuesday. We wait to see if the follicles are ready and how many we will have. We wait to see if I need to do more injections. We wait to see if there will be more ultrasounds. We wait to hear when we will come back for retrieval. We continue to wait.... but not for long! It is so surreal to me that it is almost here and that we are so close to having what we've always wanted!

Bravelle cont...

So apparently the Bravelle is not going to be as easy as I thought. Though it is not terrible I am definately getting more emotional. I can't really handle people asking me how I'm feeling. It either makes me want to cry or it makes me want to scream. I don't have a whole lot of tolerance for the kdg today... I'm also finding that people who usually just annoy me a little are much more stupid and obnoxious today. I would tell them but they would just think it was all me. Oh well, only 5 more days after this and worth every laugh, tear, and obnoxious chewer that I have to endure to get there!!!

Bravelle

Just a quick update...

I began the Bravelle two nights ago (5/19). I injected 5 vials Tuesday and 4 vials last night and so far it's not too bad. The injection burns quite a bit but the side effects aren't horrible. I've been dizzy and a little nauseous through the night and a little dizzy throughout the day but other than that just a headache. I'm thinking it makes me a little crazy too because it seems I'm lacking quite a bit of patience. Atleast it's only for 5 or 6 more days though. 6 days until u/s and then a better idea of when this will all happen! Getting ready for work and so excited that it's already Thursday and how fast next week is coming!

Struggling...

As of the past week everything is an emotional struggle. I'm pretty sure that anyone else who acted and felt the way I do would most likely end up being committed but I'm still allowed to function in society... scary! I don't feel angry or anything but I can't have much normal conversation without getting all choked up. And if you know me you know that I'm pretty emotional anyway so imagine my norm mulitplied by about 1000! It's a good thing Tony is so good about things because when I do get angry (and let's face it... psycho) it's always directed at him. (Though I cannot say it is entirely my fault.) It seems kindergarten is a struggle for me today. Normally I think "great job... they're only 5 and doing so well".... today though I'm thinking "it's a freaking apple, how can you not know how to cut an apple?!!! Just cut the apple!!! Here give me the apple and I'll cut it!" Of course all of this screaming is only in my head and I just smile and say "good job". See what I mean? CRAZY. :) What a headcase!!

I hope they can hold a straight line in the hallway cause who knows what will go down in my head! ;)

What a relief!

My doctor's office emailed me back today and told me that there is nothing to worry about and that it doesn't matter how my cycle is as long as I had one... whew! That is officially the last thing to worry about (knock on wood) aside from making sure that I have a good response to the fertility shots that I start tomorrow! The ultrasound last Tuesday showed what the doctor thinks is atleast 15 follicles, so as long as they all mature then we are good to go. 8 days and counting until my next ultrasound on Tuesday (5/26) that will tell us when to come back for egg retrieval. I can't wait to tell Tony since we have both been pretty worried about this. I would scold my body for causing me such stress but I'm just so excited that everything is okay! I am tired, bloated beyond belief (looking about 6 months pregnant!), and have the worst cramps I can remember having, and I feel GREAT!!! Now I just need to get through work today :)

A little worried but I think it will be fine.

So, until Friday I had no idea that we had something else to worry about. I had my baseline u/s on Tuesday and my last birth control on Monday and my calendar said to expect period on wed, thurs, or fri. I called my nurse on Friday (who is out of town until next Friday... good to know) and ended up speaking with a different nurse. She said that it was okay that I hadn't started yet and that about 1/2 of her patients hadn't and not to worry. She said that I should start over the weekend and to email her when I did and if I didn't start to call her on Monday. I asked if I didn't start by Monday if it was a problem and she said "yes, there would be nothing we could do". What?! We finally thought we were in the clear and now we have one more thing to sit and wait for knowing that it could ruin our chance for this month. I know that if it didn't work out then we would just try another cycle but I really, really, really want to make it in this one. It works out perfect that it will happen my last week of school and that I would have a week to rest and take it easy before summer school. Not to mention that we want a baby yesterday! So, neither one of us would tell the other one how nervous we were for the past couple days and then finally late last night (of course my body and it's sick sense of humor waited until the last possible minute!) I started!!!!!! For a year and a half we prayed I wouldn't start and here we were praying I would thinking it's the best thing that's happened to us. Ahhh... now it's just sitting back and waiting until the 26th. I really hope there are no more obstacles... we're getting a little sick of them ;) I have awful cramps and can't help smiling about it!!!

Now getting ready to go watch Jordan and Cohen and take them to a birthday party with my mom!

The last year and a half.

Since November/December of 2007, about one month after Tony and I were married, we have been trying to have a baby. It is something that we are both desperate for and would pretty much do anything to achieve. About 6 months before we were married we decided that I should see an infertility specialist since I knew I had PCOS and would probably need help conceiving. They ran all the tests and blood work and what they came back with was a little surprising. Not only was I polycystic but I also had cardiac and thyroid antibodies (2 types of auto-immune diseases) and they were also concerned that I was in early menopause. I remember that I was home sick that day anyway (thank God) and that I was laying there devastated and sobbing wondering how I was going to tell Tony that we may not be able to have a baby. This was unimaginable to me! All I had thought about from around the age of 13 was having children. I was supposed to have babies. I wanted this more than anyone I knew and I was supposed to be a mother. As important as it is to me it is equally as important to him and how was this going to affect him? He is the last Anzalone boy and he needs to pass on the name, how could I expect him to be okay with this? I had never known a man that wanted children as badly as he did. I was a mess laying there all day waiting for him to get home and making myself sick wondering how I was going to tell him. I should have had more faith in him but in those moments you really go through the worst, most dramatic scenes in your head. When he got home I explained to him what the doctor had said and his reaction was so simple and perfect. He hugged me and told me he was sorry. He told me that the only thing he knew FOR SURE was that we were supposed to be together. He told me that we would be parents somehow even if we had to adopt. No devastation, no anger. It was the only thing that could have made it all better and it did. We got the adoption thing stuck in our head for a while and prepared ourselves for it and I actually got pretty excited about the idea of it. I think it was about 3 months later when we were getting our condo ready to move into and I went to the doctor again for more blood tests to check my levels again so we could have a better idea if I was definately in early menopause. If it was normal this time then it could be a sparatic thing or it could have been a fluke the first time. I got the results and when I got to our place I remember that Tony was painting the spare bedroom and when I walked in I just smiled and said that I got my results back. He asked me how it went and I just smiled and nodded my head. You would have thought I had told him I was pregnant! He looked so happy and just grabbed me and hugged me! It was such a huge relief knowing that we had a chance again!
After we were married October 27, 2007 we went on a honeymoon for 2 weeks to Italy and Paris. We had the most beautiful wedding and the honeymoon was something right out of a movie! Everything was perfect.
At the end of November I began prepping for our first IUI. The doctor decided to put me on Clomid and I ended up responding pretty well. I went in for my first ultrasound to look at the follicles and boy were we surprised! Tony went with me and we were so excited to do an ultrasound! HA!!!! When the nurse came in and pulled out the wand you should have seen Tony's face! It was absulutely priceless! He put his head down and instantly began playing games on his cell phone :) I don't remember now how many eggs in which ovary I produced but it was atleast 3 or 4 the first time. I believe all of them were fairly good size with atleast one or two being perfect. So they gave me my booster shot (Hcg) and sent me home. I was to come back the next 2 days to have 2 rounds of IUI. We were so excited. It's such a good feeling when you realize how close you are to having what you've always wanted. The IUI wasn't bad. When it was over they had me continue laying on the table with my pelvis elevated for about 20 minutes. Tony and I were so serious thinking "this is it!". He was so sweet, holding my hand and I was getting emotional (as usual). I had cramping pretty bad that day and I think for the next couple days. The first day of the IUI I also had to begin giving myself heparin (blood thinner) injections in my stomach twice a day everyday because of the cardiac antibodies would attack a pregnancy by forming blood clots on or around the placenta which would cause me to have a miscarriage. I would need to be on these injections until the last couple weeks of my pregnancy. No big deal though... we'll do whatever it takes. We had to wait 2 weeks to do a pregnancy test since the booster shot can give you a false positive. It's funny looking back at the first time thinking how sure we were that it had worked. That every tiny little thing that happened in my body made me assume that I was pregnant... how could I not be? Let me tell you that knowing you could be pregnant and having to wait 2 weeks to find out is excrutiatingly painful to do. We held out though and the morning I was able to test I had all these ideas of how I was going to announce it to Tony that I was pregnant and how we were going to tell our parents and all of our friends... but it was all crushed because it was a negative. I think it was actually Christmas Eve when we tested and I remember being so sad but not wanting to show it. We were at Tony's parents' house with the family and I didn't want to make it all about us and I didn't want to bring anyone down. It was really hard the first time around.
After that first time, in some ways, it got easier. We knew what to expect atleast and mentally it was much easier. I guess I should mention that before the first IUI I was on a medication for anxiety that I had been on for about 2 years. I was supposed to taper off of it if I decided to quit taking it and before the first procedure I had forgotten to take it for a couple of days. I was already feeling the withdrawl from it and decided that I might as well just stick it out since I shouldn't keep taking it anyway. WHAT A MISTAKE!!!! Tony said it was what he would imagine withdrawl from heroin to be. It was awful! I was emotional from all the hormones anyway so who knows how to divide up how much of the emotion was because of that or due to withdrawl. I would be fine for a little while, then I would be screaming about something, and then into sobbing. On top of the emotions my muscles would twitch like crazy and to the point where it looked like convulsions. It was really scary and stupid of me to do but I kept thinking that it was so bad and there was no way in hell that I was taking that medicine again and going through this again later... how much longer could it last? It would get so bad that the only thing Tony could think to do was put me in the bathtub and just try to get me calmed down. He was amazing. I would be shaking and crying (or screaming) and he would get up and say "let's get you in the bathtub". He would rub my back and keep adding hot water to keep it warm until it passed and I felt human again. Looking back I think of how hard it was for him to deal with but he did it so well. So needless to say, the first time was by far the worst. After that it was just the normal fertility drug induced insanity. We tried 3 IUI's with that doctor and all of them were negative. It got to the point where we couldn't even make it the 2 weeks to take the test because I would start before we could. During these few months I was taking the heparin injections and I would tell them that my stomach was red, rashy, itching terribly, and it was bruised and lumpy... and when I say lumpy I mean lumpy! They kept telling me that it was normal side effects and that it was fine. When they finally looked at it after 2 months the nurse said "oh wow! That's definately an allergic reaction!". No shit! So they tell me there is another injection that I can do (Lovenox) but they need to see if my insurance will cover it because if not it's about $800 a month!!! AND if that wasn't bad enough, it was our only option! Anything in pill form can cause birth defects apparently. Thank God my insurance decided to cover it (and why they did I have no idea since they cover nothing else to do with this fertility stuff!) and we only had to pay $50. We tried for 5 months with that doctor all the while riding the hormonal roller coaster and being so sure each time that I was pregnant. We tried Clomid a couple times and then clomid and injectibles and nothing worked. Then we decided that I should switch to the doctor that my sister used and conceived twice with. They could not get us in until around July I think, so we had the summer off to be normal.
I went to see the new doctor at the end of July I believe and I fell in love with him. He is so sweet (and my sister is right that he reminds her of our grandfather... though not in a wierd way that would make exams awkward!). He reviewed my records and said that I do have cardiac antibodies but not that many and that the preliminary test showed thyroid antibodies but the in depth test did not. He was very positive and reassuring which was great but I was really annoyed that the other office made me think it was terrible! Dr. W also said that he would not be putting me on blood thinner until I was pregnant and there was a heartbeat. (Something to do with bones being stripped of calcium the longer you're on it.) He asked me how I liked the Clomid and I told him it made me crazy. He said that he would rather me be sane so he wanted me to take Femara. I left feeling so much better! He also explained that he does all the ultrasounds and IUI's personally. This was very exciting to me since at the other office I only met the doctor on my first consult and never again, and his nurses did everything else! We were going to do our first try in September. I was feeling great. I had been off the fertility meds for a few months and lost 20 lbs and really back to my old self. I remember thinking "how nice to get pregnant after losing this weight! I'll be so much smaller and look so much better". How I wish that hadn't changed... damn meds! :O
Well, I'm not going to go into more boring details about the next six months or so, just know that in March or April after no luck we decided to talk with Dr. W about the next step. We have done 7 or 8 IUI's with absolutely no results... not even a miscarriage (not that we would ever want that to happen). Dr. W was baffled and everytime he seemed a little more perplexed. My eggs are perfect, my cycles are perfect, my lining is perfect, he refers to Tony as Michael Phelps... everything is perfect. I should be getting pregnant. He scheduled me for another ultrasound after my cycle to see if maybe my follicles aren't leaving the ovaries properly and at this appointment Tony wanted me to mention In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). As soon as I did Dr. W said he was glad I mentioned it because he thinks that's the next step. So he sent me home with a folder full of information.
When you think of people with infertility issues and you think of IVF you think of it being expensive and that it's something you wouldn't be able to do. It's very hard to wrap your head around it at first. We read it and read it and read it again, over and over. Tony was disgusted that they have different packages and went real wild when he saw one that was basically buy one, get one half off! He called and had a consultation with the woman about the different options and was less than pleased to find out the the prices listed don't even include everything! It doesn't include all the testing with is a few thousand dollars, or the meds which are a few thousand more, or the fertilization (what the hell!), or the freezing of leftover embryos. That is the most insane thing I have ever heard! So, everything you hear about how much IVF costs... add thousands and thousands more... absolutely absurd! SO anyway... off of my little rampage now :) I really want to be clear about something.... even though we complain about the money and the hormones and the little things that weigh on us.... we wouldn't trade these opportunities for the world. I would endure all of this a million times over if in the end it gives us a baby.
After we decided which "package" to go with we signed up for the May cycle and began the process of prepping for IVF! Since we have decided to do this I have had a hysterosalpingogram (dye injected through my fallopian tubes to make sure they are open and OMG excruciatingly painful), a hysteroscopy (that I heard terrible things about and had myself so worked up with anxiety about how bad it was going to hurt after the fallopian tube incident I had to take a valium and they let Tony go in with me... pretty good stuff), and 11 vials of blood drawn. Tony had some blood work done and the "other" analysis all of which are perfect. One thing they wanted to be atleast 20 million and he was at 103 million and another they wanted to be atleast 50% and he was at 95%.... overachiever! All of my blood work was perfect. The worst part of all of this is the waiting game that we're always playing. We had to wait to find out if we even qualified for IVF until we got all these results back and some of them took weeks, some we had to wait until the right time in my cycle to even do, and some were just nerve wracking. So many little things could have ruined everything.
So now we wait again. The tests are all finished. They had me on birth control for a few weeks and I started Lupron injections and dexamethasone a couple weeks ago and had my baseline ultrasound on 5/12 (last birth control the night before). The ultrasound showed what the doctor thinks is atleast around 15 follicles which is a little above average so hopefully we get atleast that. Not all of them will produce eggs and of the ones that do produce eggs they won't all mature so the more the merrier! We are hoping for enough good embryos so that we can implant 2 and have atleast a couple to freeze. I start Bravelle injections (follicle stimulator) on Tuesday (5/19) and at some point I do a couple injections of Menopure (follicle stimulator), then antibiotics. Then I go back for an ultrasound on Tuesday 5/26 and they will tell us what day we need to come back for egg retrieval. We may need to go back a couple more times for more ultrasounds that week to monitor it more closely but egg retrieval will most likely be that Friday 5/29, Saturday 5/30, or Sunday 5/31. Then they hand pick the best sperm and inject one into each egg. The day of egg retrieval is when they are fertilized and considered day1. They look at the eggs on day 3 and if they aren't ready then they look again on day 5. We will get a call either day 3 or day 5 to come in for embryo transfer. With retrieval I will be on bedrest for one day and with transfer I will be on bedrest for 2 days. I also begin my Lovenox (blood thinning injections) on retrieval day (I think). So much to remember!
I can't believe that it's so close! I am so paranoid about letting myself get too excited because I'm afraid I will jinx it and something will happen that will not allow us to do this. We only have a week and a half to wait now and it seems like it's taking forever to get here. After 8 failed attempts and everyone around me getting pregnant and having babies... it's finally going to be my turn. If for some reason it doesn't work and we cannot have a baby we can still adopt and I know we will be happy, but I really hope it works!!! For a year and a half I have felt terrible everytime I've had to tell Tony that it's negative. I know he doesn't think that way but I always feel like I'm letting him down (after all, the problem is mine... he's that damn Michael Phelps!). I get so excited even thinking about being able to tell him it's positive! So, lots of eggs, lots of prayers, and a little luck and we may just have a baby!